What is the mental load? Defining the hot-button term

 Picture this. It’s 9pm on a Sunday. You’re thinking about the week ahead. Here are the thoughts running through your head:

 “My son is going back to school after the holiday break. It’s supposed to be really cold. Does his winter coat still fit? I need to buy a bigger hat and gloves for him.”

“Have I bought a birthday present for my niece? She turns 6 this week.”

“My husband and I haven’t had a date night recently. I should really schedule a babysitter.”

“I need to meal prep for my 7-month-old. Let me add ingredients to my grocery list.”

“What should we have for dinner this week?”

“My baby is growing out of her current diapers. We need to go to the store to get a bigger size.”

“Shoot, I forgot the laundry is in the washer.”

“Did I write that report for work? I think the deadline is in two days.”

“My son needs his physical for school, I need to run that to the doctor.”

“I should really get him into more extracurriculars. He’s been extra emotional lately. Maybe that will help. Should I look online for how to help when he’s having big feelings? Am I doing enough?”

“When was the last time I was at the doctor?”

“Are we saving enough money?”

This is just an example of the millions of thoughts that run through the head of a parent carrying the mental load. The term “mental load” refers to the mental work of keeping a family and home running. One study described it as the responsibility of “anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress” (Daminger, 2019). It is not only the physical labor of running a home (think: laundry, dishes, cleaning up toys, meal prepping, etc.), but the cognitive, emotional, and psychological labor associated with childrearing and caregiving (think: how to regulate your child’s tantrums, activities to complete with your kids, preparing for holidays, managing sports/extracurricular schedule, etc.).

Based on research, cisgender women in heterosexual relationships are largely responsible for the mental load. In a study by Ciciolla and Luther completed in 2019, 88% of women (either married or partnered) reported that they primarily manage routines at home, despite 65% reporting that they were employed. Women are working more than ever before, however that change in equity is not being reflected at home. Despite having their own career, women remain the ones running the homes as well. 

Although many think of the mental load in terms of housework, the emotional labor involved in the mental load should not be overlooked. Emotional labor is defined as the work of managing the emotions of oneself and of others (Hochschild, 2003). For example, a mother of young children might not only consider the what of their child’s daily routines or activities, but also the experience their child is having. This may look like worrying about if they are getting enough social activity, how to handle their current phase of development, if they are feeling better after being sick, how to quell tantrums so that the babysitter doesn’t have to experience it, etc. Further, these worries may occur while a mother is at work herself, meaning that she likely conceals these concerns from those around her (Dean, Churchill, & Ruppanner, 2021).  

Emotional labor also involves self-regulation and regulating those around you. Let’s say your child is having a tantrum. You are working on regulating yourself despite feeling overstimulated (e.g. taking deep breaths, reminding yourself that your child doesn’t have regulation skills yet) and regulating your child (e.g. talking calmly, getting on their level, providing validation for their feelings). You may even take on the responsibility of regulating your partner (e.g. reminding your partner to walk away if they are angry or yelling). In an article by Dean, Churchill, and Ruppanner (2021), they cite the work of Bass (2015) and Wong (2017): “mothers are constantly cataloguing, remembering, thinking about, and doing the emotional work of the family and those who assist in their care, to ensure everyone’s physical and emotional needs are met.” This goes to show that the mental load is a complex and nuanced experience, activating all aspects of a parent’s being – physical, emotional, cognitive, and psychological.

In a recent interview, Gloria Steinem said that although equity has improved across genders, women continue to face a significant inequality – bearing the mental load. She stated that that there are two parents for every child, and yet only one usually bears the burden of the mental load – typically women in heterosexual relationships. Bearing the burden of the mental load is associated with higher levels of stress and burnout, lower relationship satisfaction, and negative impacts on women’s careers (Reich-Stiebert et al., 2023). Not only does it impact psychological functioning, but it can also impact physical health as well. In an article by Time magazine, psychologist Maytal Eyal describes how women account for almost 80% of autoimmune disease cases and are at higher risk for developing chronic pain, insomnia, fibromyalgia, long COVID, IBS, and migraines, and are twice as likely to die from a heart attack compared to men (2023). Although these statistics do not indicate a clear cause-and-effect of the mental load, these physical and psychological effects are likely related to the weight of responsibility women carry.  

Despite these difficult statistics, there is always room for growth when it comes to sharing the mental load. There are many ways to go about this sharing, but the point is simple: mothers need to allow a sharing of control, while their partners need to assume responsibility for caring and raising a family as well.

If you’re interested in exploring this more, schedule a consultation call with me here to know where to start.