After I got home and reflected on my response to the travel inconvenience, it got me thinking about something I often say to clients (but was obviously very tough for me to do for myself). We may not be able to fully control our initial instinct toward a certain emotion, but we can reduce our shame-filled response to it. We can start to turn toward grace rather than guilt.

With social media, we are overloaded with parenting tips, strategies, hacks. While it provides an incredible amount of access to information, it can also be paralyzing. We never truly feel satisfied because there is always more to be doing - implying that what we are doing is not enough.

As a parent and human, you likely wear many hats - caregiver, partner, employee, friend, daughter, sibling, uncle, etc. With all these roles comes the weight of the mental load, meaning all the physical and mental work that is required to keep your home, family, and life running. To make sure that your family and home are running smoothly, likely your own needs and priorities become last on the priority list. And while that is understandable, it doesn’t have to be normal.

The term “mental load” refers to the mental work of keeping a family and home running. One study described it as the responsibility of “anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress” (Daminger, 2019). It is not only the physical labor of running a home (think: laundry, dishes, cleaning up toys, meal prepping, etc.), but the cognitive, emotional, and psychological labor associated with childrearing and caregiving (think: how to regulate your child’s tantrums, activities to complete with your kids, preparing for holidays, managing sports/extracurricular schedule, etc.).

Make sure to talk with your child. Initiate the conversation, while keeping their age and developmental level in mind. Listen to what your child has to say and validate their feelings. Try your best to reinforce ideas of safety and security. Review their school safety protocol.

Research shows that as many as 40% of first-time mothers and 25% of second-time mothers report feeling “indifferent” when holding their baby for the first time. They may feel detached from their child or incredible shock at the “newness” of the situation. Parents may also feel that there is a “gap between expectations and reality,” which leads to feelings of guilt and shame.

Picture this: You’ve spent an hour cooking a beautiful, delicious meal for your family. You are excited to see what your child thinks of the food. You set the food down on their plate when you hear, “I don’t want this! I don’t like green beans!” Your child throws the green beans on the floor and starts to cry. At the end of the dinner, they have only taken one bite of food.

You have made the decision, after much contemplation, to begin therapy. It feels exciting, nerve-wracking, a little scary. You go online and search “find a therapist near me” and hundreds of therapists fill your screen. It is overwhelming, and somewhat confusing. How do you know who to reach out to? How do you know they will be the right fit?