Trouble bonding with your baby after birth
We have all seen the movies. A woman gives birth (typically after very dramatic screaming and pushing). She feels an instant connection and attachment with her newborn child. She and her partner smile and snuggle with their new baby. All the pain from childbirth instantly goes away. All is right with the world.
While this may be some families’ experience, it is not the experience of many others. Research shows that as many as 40% of first-time mothers and 25% of second-time mothers report feeling “indifferent” when holding their baby for the first time (Robson & Kumar, 1980). They may feel detached from their child or incredible shock at the “newness” of the situation (Coates, Ayers, & de Visser, 2014). Parents may also feel that there is a “gap between expectations and reality,” which leads to feelings of guilt and shame (Røseth, Bongaardt, Lyberg, Sommerseth, & Dahl, 2018).
Experiencing barriers to bonding with a newborn can lead to a myriad of negative emotions by parents, especially if there is great anticipation and excitement to meet the baby during pregnancy. Parents can feel guilty, sad, or frustrated. They may wonder if there is something wrong with them as a parent.
Why might difficulties with bonding happen?
Difficulties with labor and delivery
Many pregnant people have an idyllic image of their upcoming labor and delivery. However, the reality of what happens may be very different. Birthing people may experience intense pain during labor which clouds their ability to be present during delivery. They may imagine a vaginal birth, only to experience an emergency caesarean section. Vaginal tearing or significant pelvic floor pain following delivery can lead to difficulties with basic caregiving of their baby. Giving birth is an unpredictable and physically intense process for anyone involved, and the ramifications of the process can make the actual moment of meeting your baby confusing. Intense physical pain or shock can limit the body’s ability to form attachment or bonding, simply because there are more pressing physical symptoms in which to attend.
NICU experiences
Many parents expect a 1-3 day stay at the hospital, followed by a joyful homecoming returning to their family home. However, about 10-15% of babies require some length of stay in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). A NICU stay happens for a whole host of reasons, including premature birth, low birth weight, respiratory distress, heart problems, or birth trauma. Some newborns only need a couple hours in the NICU, while others need months. Not only can this be shocking and stressful for parents, but there may also be certain limits or guidelines on feeding, skin-to-skin contact, and visitation. It can be incredibly distressing to see your child hooked up to monitors or have tubes or other machines attached to their bodies. Parents may have to sleep at the hospital or take turns visiting with their child. It is a very different experience than bringing your child home to sleep in their bassinet. Many babies do very well in the NICU after being cared for by specialized professionals, but it can still be disruptive to the bonding process.
Baby’s temperament or difficulties
Many people have experienced late nights, whether to pull an all-nighter to study in college, to take a red-eye flight while traveling, or to read the final Harry Potter book (guilty). In all these situations, you likely plan for the next day to be a “lazy” day, full of naps and Netflix shows. For new parents, this is not the case. Many newborns experience issues with colic, reflux, or simply not wanting to sleep at night. Parents then subsequently get only a few hours of sleep and are expected to continue parenting the next day. There is a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture- it is exhausting and has implications for your physical, emotional, and psychological health. For those parents who are caring for a child that does not sleep, or does not seem to stop crying, it is normal for parents to feel resentful or angry toward their child, or question whether they should have become parents in the first place.
Racial and cultural factors
There are significant racial disparities when it comes to maternal and infant mortality during childbirth. For example, Black women are three times as likely to die from pregnancy-related causes than white women (CDC, 2022). Recognizing these risks can lead to increased feelings of depressed mood, anxiety, or stress for women of color. Many women of color experience prejudice or racism from medical systems and providers, which can negatively impact their labor and delivery process. The combination of anticipatory anxiety and experiences of racism can lead to decreased ability of parents to bond with their baby.
Typical adjustment or transition time
Although circumstances like the ones mentioned above can lead to difficulties with bonding, the transition of adding a baby to your family can be reason enough to make bonding challenging! One minute you are pregnant, the next minute you have a baby in your arms that you are solely responsible for. Even though you may have carried this baby for nine months, you are getting to know them for the first time. Parents may also experience a grief or longing for their previous life after being presented with the realities of postpartum. The transition to parenthood, or parenthood of multiple children, is complicated, nuanced, and deeply personal. These conflicting emotions can have an impact on the connection that a parent may feel with their child.
So, does this mean that bonding with your child will never happen? Of course not. If you find yourself in the position of having trouble connecting with your child, remind yourself of a few things:
1. This is normal. Many parents experience this feeling. It does not make you a bad parent, it does not mean that you do not have what it takes to be a parent, it does not mean that you will never love your child. It means that this moment is really hard, and this feeling and stage will not last forever. All emotions are temporary, especially during postpartum time. This feeling is not permanent.
2. Babies are supposed to be raised in a village. Ask for help. Your cup needs to be full for you to tackle the newborn stage. The emptier your cup is, the more likely you are to feel resentment, anger, sadness, anxiety, or guilt. Rely on your support system as much as you can. Ask for groceries or someone to help with household chores. Ask your partner to take a nighttime feed. Use that time to go for a walk, grab a hot tea, or care for yourself in other ways.
3. Find time in your day to just be “you.” This may mean a 5-minute walk outside, a moment to journal or read, or baking your favorite cookies. If this time is not offered to you by your support system, ask for it. Caring for a newborn is a full-time job (nights included), and every employee deserves a “lunch break.”
4. If you find yourself truly struggling, or the lack of bonding is happening for longer than you feel comfortable, ask for help from a mental health professional. You likely will benefit from supportive treatment and further intervention. Note: this does not mean that there is anything wrong with you. It just means that we need to add some more tools to your toolbox to get you to a place that feels comfortable. (You can always schedule a consultation call with me here!)
Life, and parenting, is hard enough! Be compassionate with yourself and ditch the guilt as best as you can.
